OILFIELD JOB DESCRIPTIONS
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OILFIELD JOB DESCRIPTIONS By : PAPPY
COMPANY MAN – He knows everything there is to know about everything. Usually has at least 90 years experience. He has personally drilled the deepest well, been on the worst blowout ever and is the worlds greatest lover. Thinks everyone is really dumb, except himself. He thinks that most Toolpusher’s couldn’t even carry his water can. When something bad happens, he tells everyone he knew it was going to happen 3 weeks ago. Has a unique way of knowing who to put the blame on. He is usually too much in debt playing the Stock Market and when he reads about layoffs in the oil industry, he has nightmares about it. He’s always saying Consultants are getting paid too much money and would really like to be one, but he knows there isn’t anyone around in their right mind that would hire him. He prays every night that the stock market will not crash during his lifetime.
CONSULTANT – Over paid and underworked. Afraid he’s running out of oil companies to work for. He’s always dreaming of his glory days. Tells everyone who’ll listen that he was his company’s trouble-shooter before it went broke or was bought out and everyone got fired. He started his career as a Mud Engineer, and learned the Company Man business by hanging around the office and answering the phone when the Company Man and Toolpusher went to breakfast. Got his first Company Man job in the boom of ’78. He has worked all over the world and been held hostage 5 times. Has been over to Omar Khadafi’s vacation villa to discuss world problems. He say’s he’s a pretty good golfer and has been married 2 or 3 times and tells everyone that he knows how to avoid paying taxes, alimony and child support.
DRILLING SUPURINTENDANT – He’s the Company Man’s Boss and always an A&M graduate Petroleum Engineer. He has ended up in this position because of his seniority. He’s the older engineer by at least 12-14 years. He gets the blame for everything because the people working under him, some way or the other, get him to make the wrong final decision at 2:30 in the morning. He gets out of the office by 4 P.M. , but doesn’t get home until 9. He tells his wife to tell everyone that calls that he isn’t in. So the guys that work with him wait until 2:30 to call because they know he will be the one to answer the phone. He is usually the fall guy for anything bad that happens and even though his bosses don’t like him, they will never fire him because they will always need a fall guy. By the age of 58, they will need new livers and suffer from Alzheimers and still don’t have the big boat they always dreamed of.
OIL CO. PRESIDENT – The big Kahuna. Ole Fuzzy Nuts. He puts all the blame on the Old Drilling Superintendant. He never liked him anyway. He feels the people under him are all incompetent. His heroes are Caesar, Napoleon and Adolf Hitler. He is always a very good golfer. And that’s about all he does. He would rather shoot employees than fire them. He has few friends and no family. He drives a Lexus and burns the motor up because he didn’t know how to check the oil. And he’s always running out of gas. He believes he should be API President for life. He also wishes he could do drugs but doesn’t know where to buy them. He really likes Hillary and would love to see her in short shorts.
PETROLEUM ENGINEER – He is a graduate of Texas A&M and the oil company he now works for is the same company his father retired from. He is always 26 years old and he also has a pretty wife. He thinks every job is very easy and there is never a reason for problems on the rig. He knows the stock market but is always broke. He buys his clothes at dillards but shops at Walmart after midnight. His biggest fear is his co-workers finding out about his Walmart shopping. He thinks he can run the company better that present management and has read all the books on Scientology.
O.I.M. – That’s short for Offshore Installation Manager. He’s really only a glorified Toolpusher that screwed up and got promoted. He tells the Toolpusher he knows everything and worries a lot about the workboats and crewboats. He’s been to everey drilling school there is and is either a grgreat fisherman or a rancher on the side. Tries to make everyone think he knows how to use a computer and does not like his Superintendent. He doesn’t like him for something that hahppened when they Roughnecked together. He thinks he should be Superintendent and that all Company me are stupid.
TOOLPUSHER – On land rigs, he is God, or at least he thinks he is. He dreams of owning a drilling company and showing the whole world he can drill deeper wells faster than anyone else. He always talks bad about the Co. Man and how he’s always having to keep him out of trouble. He dreams of becoming a Co. Man so he can drive a company car and get coveralls from all the service hands. Sometimes has a little dog that likes to hump everyone’s leg.
TOOLPUSHER – Offshore, he is really nobody. Has to ask the O.I.M what to do. Worries about what movies are coming on after 1 in the morning. He hopes the satellite is working good because he doesn’t know how to change it. More likely hauled pulpwood or ran crab traps sometime in his life.
DIRECTIONAL DRILLER – 35-55 years old and usually has 3 to 4 years Toolpusher experience. Became a DD because he could run a calculator and he knows which way the sun rises and sets. Also the drilling company he was pushing for went broke and the best he could do with another company was roughneck. He didn’t want to come down the ladder because when he climbed it, he left too much BallS**t behind. They are kind of like Oil Company Representatives. They always know something bad was going to happen and who to blame it on. Some are married to very young girls and some are not, but they’re all paying child support. They have a boat, but never use it. They all live in the country. Most of their wives have boyfriends and those boyfriends are usually their reliefs. By the time they’re 60 years old, they have nerve problems, high blood pressure and are very impotent and usually end up in a state run home for the poor and mentally unstable. Sometimes they might run into an old Rig Electrician at Walmart. They usually smell of cigarettes and whiskey.
DD II – When in training, he never learns anything because the old DD will not teach him. The old hand’s afraid the young hand will learn and work cheaper and take the old hand’s job. The young hand is always calling his wife because they’ve never been apart more than 14 days and he’s heard all the stories about young, pretty wives that are left alone for too long. He tells everyone it will never happen to him, but we all know it will, and for the few hands that make it through training, well, we all know what happens to them too.
MUD ENGINEER – Job title deceiving. They’re not reall Engineers. Their job is to play with the drilling mud and from time to time, they will recommend a recipe to put in the mud. Sackhands carry their load most of the time. However, because of their job titles, most think they are smarter than the Co. Man or Consultant they are working for. They have also worked on every rig in every company’s fleet, worked deeper, worked hotter, worked colder, flew higher, flew lower, taken the worst crewboat ride, and on and on and on. Just ask one if you don’t believe it.
MUD LOGGER – Very strange individuals. Educated just enough to wake up in the morning, but guilty of doing the dumbest things. They think Geologist run the Oilpatch. Normally they have really pale complexions and are MWD wantabe’s. Always being accused of taking a leak in the rig drains.
MWD HAND – Generally have too much education and not enough common sense. Very few are married and the one’s that are never talk about their wives or husbands. They never laugh at jokes, because they don’t understand most of them, and they talk very little. Their silence is a cover for the hate and disgust they have for themselves. For the waste of time spent on education only to find some High-School dropout making 2 to 3 times more money than them. When sex is brought up, they walk away. You never see one over the age of 40 and nobody seems to know what happened to them. They spend way to much time on the internet and worship the ground that Bill and Hillary walk on.
DRILLER – He’s worked on every Rig in the fleet. Packing a chip on his shoulder because he thinks that he should have been promoted to Toolpusher by now. He isn’t kin to the Pusher, but he knows his wife really, really well.
ASSISTANT DRILLER – Wannabe Directional Driller. Always wondering when the rest of the “Oilpatch” will catch up to him. Only reason he is not running the rig now is he still has to count the stands POOH by taking one marble out of one pocket for each stand and placing it in the other pocket. Still trying to persuade the Toolpusher, his wife’s brother, that he can count 3 tooljoints without messing up. Only claim to fame is painting the Derrickman’s Sister’s name and phone number on the Water Tower years ago, in all the Gulf Coast States.
DERRICKMAN – Wanna be Driller, just like his 3rd cousin. Gets paid 25 cents more than the roughnecks and thinks he’s getting rich. He’s young and strong, but also stupid. Knew he wasn’t afraid of heights since the day he climbed the water tower in his hometown and painted over his sister’s name and phone number,
SHAKERHAND – Couldn’t cut it as a roughneck because he kept getting his feet tangled up in the rotary. Got the job at the shakers so that he wouldn’t hurt no-one else on the Drill crew. Either married to the Driller’s sister or his Uncle is the Drilling Superintendant, which is the only excuse to how he could possibly hold down what is most likely the easiest job in the oilfield. Claims he can tell what the weight and viscosity of the mud is by simply tasting it.
SACKHAND – Wanna be Mud Engineer. Has his Class “D” Drivers license for forklift operation, which is gold engraved and mounted in a 5”x7” frame in his locker next to his 1st cousin’s picture. Claims he developed and holds the patent for the “Taste Test” that he trained the Shaker Hand, his half brother, to use extensively.
FLOORHAND – Was a Roustabout but got his break at Roughnecking when the real Roughneck got drunk and locked up, and couldn’t make it to work, and he’s also the Pusher’s nephew.
ROUSTABOUT – A real Roughneck wannabe, but usually to dumb to become one, unless he’s the Pusher’s nephew.
SAFETY COORDINATOR – He comes next after the Roustabout because most of them only got as far as roustabouts. Not coordinated enough to work floors. Usually walks around looking up all the time. Tries to take charge of safety meetings and claims that the rig could not operate without his extensive knowledge. In charge of the satellite receiver, and always asking people about their weight. Always bragging about how he has to go to the office for another “meeting” with the big wheels.
ELECTRICIAN – Usually knicknamed “sparky”. Had his own business a long time ago but wen broke. His third cousin- the Night Pusher, got him his job. Has been on the same rig 20 or 30 years. Hangs on until they force him to retire and ends up working at Walmart, greeting people as they come in, always telling them about the sales in the lighting department. The one’s that get laid off before their 70 years old usually go to work for the carnival.
MECHANIC – This position is only for offshore and barge rigs. He’s an old Motorman who can lift his little tool box, but he got the job because he knows the Superintendant. He gave the Super his first job on a drilling rig way back when. No kin to anyone on the rig and says that’s just fine with him.
MOTORMAN – He’s too old to pull slips but he knows how to fix the Kelly Spinner and Top Drive. Has his own little Tool Box. He’s the Pusher’s Uncle.
CRANE OPERATOR – Has many responsibilities, however, his main responsibility is checking the fish traps. Constantly in search of an above average Roustabout to train to run the crane so all he has to do is stand around, stay clean and talk about deer hunting. Most of the time he is related to someone very hight up in the office maintain this position.
WELDER – He can never be found and the only ones who believe his stories are the Roustabouts. Claims to be able to weld toilet paper to a light bulb. Always says he’s working on something but needs more overtime in order to finish it. He also helps the Crane Op. with the fish traps. Usually 40-45 years old, or so, and used to be in the National Guard Reserve, but swears he fought in the Vietnam and Desert Storm. He is still learning to read. Always day-dreaming, wanting a cold beer and always complaining about the food. One of the Driller’s is his brother-in-law, and the Driller thinks his brother-in-law is the best there is.
RIG MEDIC – Wannabe Physician or race car driver but knocked up his girlfriend and could not afford to go to Med school. Took a job driving an ambulance to satisfy his hunger for racing. After using all his luck driving ambulances, he got assigned to a rig as a medic because he just loves people. Sometimes doubles as a Safety Coordinator.
CEMENTER – Has to call his office to figure every job. Does his very best to work the entire job without having to get on his unit. Gets more sleep than anyone on the rig and constantly worries about gaining weight and when his relief is going to show up. His primary job is to tie down the satellite dish when the winds pick up.
STORE MANAGER – This person knows how to change the satellite receiver system and is usually in charge of the football pools unless the Safety Coordinator beats him to it. He dreams of the Saints going to the Super Bowl. Doesn’t own coveralls, hard hat or steel-toe boots and doesn’t have a clue to what a drilling rig really does.
DISPATCHER – Too lazy to work at a real job and has been around the world at least 5 times. Claims he knows the President, or at least the man in charge, of every oilfield related company in the Oilpatch. He really should, because he has dispatched for them at one time or the other. All he ever talks about is going to work for Production and winning the Lottery. Sometimes doubles as the Safety Coordinator.
BIT SALESMAN – Now these guys are really dumb. They almost always have bad backs and pretty wives. He can tell you who’s been fired and who’s been hired and which rig is the best in the fleet. He also knows where the best Strip joints are and knows all the girls by their real names.
STEWARD – Usually retired Military. Couldn’t cook then and still can’t. Claims that his food keeps the rig crews going, and the place couldn’t run without him. If he’s kin to anyone, they don’t claim him. Usually makes friends with the Safety Coordinator.
GALLEY HAND – No one knows who they are or where they come from. They tell a different story each time they are asked. Most are hiding out from the law, why else would they work 35 days on and 7 days off? They set off to New Orleans to join the French Foreign Legion, but got suckered in by some Catering company in Houma to go to work for them. They all hate the cooks and wish they would fall over-board. Usually, after 3 hitches offshore, they turn themselves into the law and are never heard from again.
BARGE ENGINEER – Started up the ladder by watching the fish traps as a Crane Operator and was assigned as a Barge Engineer so he could watch his Soaps and stay in the cool air. Claims to continuously keep the Toolpusher out of trouble but actually doesn’t know diddly. Wants to be Toolpusher but doesn’t have the grunt to go through drilling to get Pusher job. Sometimes doubles as the Safety Coordinator.
H2S TECHNICIAN – Claims his acute sense of smell is second only to a Pedigree Basset Hound’s. Usually can find this individual in the rig’s bathroom or roadside parks, smelling and documenting individual farts. Graduated from the same School of Arts as the Mud Logger. Extensive additional overseas schooling accumulated, actually in floral shops, where he fine tuned his keen sense of smell. When going to the sites of poisonous gas releases, he expects the cloud to part for him the same way the Red Sea parted for Moses. Claims he held his breath the entire time while single handedly capping the highest release of poisonous gas ever recorded, had to have been over 4,000,000 ppm. This must account for the reason his ears and eyes bulge out from under-neath his hard hat